White Women in the Vedosphere: Intro

Before reading, sit back, relax and imagine you’re a socialist in Californ-IA with a glass of chardonnay in your minimalist-home, furnished by IKEA and eagerly hoping that Killer…, sorry, Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the US of A, which you’re so proud to be a part of!

Flick forward and now imagine you are about to embark on a Vedic-journey, starting off with seeing a local white woman who claims to be an ‘expert’ in Yoga and Vedic sciences.

After you see the mass of white teeth in the smiles along with the perfect studio-pose on their website, cheesy and realtor-style, you enter the room of the white ‘Ayurveda expert’ or Yoga teacher who greets you with an ear-piercing and incorrectly pronounced ‘Nam-ass-tay!’, with hands in Namaskar. Your first reaction isn’t “wow, how cool they’re revering my culture”, but rather “how arrogant and annoying”. This is why…

As you weave your way through their website and brochures, you realise that there is little that differentiates them from diluted alcohol relative to their authenticity and true reverence of Vedic teachings over the commonly-quoted badly-translated passages and plagiarized quotes intermingled with New-Age ideals. In addition to this, the dead give-away is their annoyingly happy smile with teeth, as noted, perfect-pose (‘my right angle is better’) on their pictures, but in person they are gaunt, unhealthy-looking with either blistered ruddy skin or as pale as can be, almost grayish in hue and lacking lustre!

As they start off with ‘My Guru…‘, you realise they were JAWP (just another white person) in Rishikesh fleeced of their money due to having more of it than brains, thus wasting their inheritance on some middle-aged coconut-oiled Delhi-dwelling swindler that stated he was a Brahmin in order to attract the left-overs from the Pune rush years of Osho and co!

For patients, the same is also, likewise entertaining. Before opening (as they come to me with health issues, naturally – duh!), they have to exclaim, coy and proud, ‘I do Yoga and eat healthy!’ – as you ponder whether it’s a raw, vegan or some other weird and wonderful diet they’re on this week. ‘I do Yoga!’ is always stated by the white female as she performs puraka (inhalation) simultaneously, as if to give vigour to their statement, followed up with a condescending and egotistical smile that soon wanes when I commence my lecture on Yoga and it’s history to them! Especially when they refer to asana as “us-aana” and totally butcher the pronunciation and inverted vowel sounds! The cause here is simply poor mental metabolism, leading to IVS (Irritable Vowel Syndrome).

Somewhere along the line, herbal panaceas as St. John’s Wart and echinacea, as also (who could forget!) – kombucha are mentioned by them, as if to impress me with their ‘vast knowledge’ of herbology – again, followed with a condescending smile. As you sit there examining them, you do wonder why on earth they’ve actually come to see you, except to simply show off to their peers that they’ve had an ‘Eh-yoor-vaydic‘ (as they pronounce it) consultation to make themselves somehow feel superior. It must be the past two husbands you realise, that is really behind this. But of course the husbands were useless and they have an estranged son somewhere as they’ve “transcended family”; goes without saying however that they’ve emasculated all males in their family with their quasi-lesbian feministic overtones and then took up Feminism+, aka Yoga and the Vedic sciences!

And ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wonderful world of White Women in the Vedo-sphere!

My advice to them is: stop emasculating men, stay at home with your kids and raise them properly, stop trying to rule everyone, grow your hair longer rather than short and start employing proper Sanskrit grammatical genders when referring to yourself, as a yogini as opposed to yogi – better still, as a bhogini, not a true yogini’s posterior!



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